I need to catch up on the Harry Potter movies.

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Beast from “X-Men: First Class” looks suspiciously like Chopper Dave from “Sealab 2021”

The trailer for X-Men: First Class hit the web today. It’s a prequel or something. It should have mutants and extremely, extremely subtle social commentary. But anyway something that caught my attention was one shot of Beast, since it looks so much like our beloved Chopper Dave character from the Adult Swim cartoon “Sealab 2021,” but you can judge for yourself:

uh-oh!

A British actor has been cast as Superman which is probably a sign of the apocalypse.

Jazz and comic books. Two forms of art that have the distinction of originating in America. Maybe jazz is a little out of date and only enjoyed by pretentious D-bags but those comic book things are still huge, particularly the film adaptations.

Now, if the fat cats in the United States want to outsource their already wealthy, profitable corporations just to make an extra billion here and there and damn the lower-class working stiffs, that’s fine, but outsourcing your super heroes is one step too far.

Batman, Wolverine, and the new Spider-Man are not played by Americans. It was never that big of a deal, it was forgivable, “the best man for the job,” you may say, but the news has come out today that the new Superman will be played by Henry Cavill, a British actor. That just doesn’t sit right, does it?

But why is it that it’s not that big of a deal when Brits play other super heroes? I could do my homework and write a long winded essay about how Superman was on the scene long before Spidey or Bats ever showed their sorry asses and he became a symbol of hope during World War II, or that his motto is standing for “truth, justice, and the American way,” or that his very origin story is an allegory for the American dream. But I won’t. I’m too lazy to write it and you’re too lazy to read it. Short paragraphs work so much better for both of us.

Richard Donner’s 1978 film, a spectacular classic, was wise enough to embrace all of the Americana associated with Superman. Maybe that’s why his film is the only Superman adaptation to date to be considered a great work of filmmaking.

Why is it cool to not care? I’m Canadian (Superman is a half-Canadian invention by the way), but if I were American I think I’d boycott the movie. Where’s the patriotism? If they got an American to play James Bond I’m sure people would be pissed off, so why not for Superman? Why do people want to insist it isn’t an issue? It is.

But hey, it’s fine if a Brit plays Superman, it’s fine if all the companies move to India, whatever, it’s all good, as long as I have my I-Phone. It’s cool to be open to anything because I’m just so awesome.

Anyway, I think this casting is distracting from the big picture anyway, and that’s that the movie can’t possibly be any good anyway. Zack Snyder is directing it, after all. How good could it possibly be. I liked Watchmen and everything but if ever there was a “style over substance” director it’s Snyder. Seriously, since when did he become the go-to guy for comic book adaptations? I’m sure I’m not the only one who saw the Watchmen trailer and laughed so hard I peed a little when he was described as a “visionary director.”

And that got me thinking. Zack Snyder is an American, I wonder if it crossed his mind if it would be a good idea to cast a non-American for the role. I wonder if he considered whether or  not it may upset people. I’m sure he’ll give some interviews in the future to explain himself. But if he sees it as a non-issue, I can’t imagine the guy having a firm grasp on the character.

Ultimately I think it’s far more ignorant to act like it isn’t an issue at all than to at least acknowledge it. You can agree with this blog or not, but just don’t pretend it isn’t an issue and that anybody feeling uncomfortable about the casting is totally out of line. That’s like saying “When I see a person, I don’t see race or colour, I just see a person.” Yes, that seems all nice and everything but that’s one of the worst things someone can say. It’s our diversities that make us unique and every race, colour, creed, and nationality has its own rich history and ignoring Superman’s impact on American culture is pretty close-minded.

I can’t speak for Americans but if they cast anyone other than a Canadian to play Captain Canuck, I wouldn’t think twice about skipping it.

GREAT ACTING 101

From the guy that brought you that video with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s greatest one-liners and countless other compilation videos, it’s Nicolas Cage Losing His Shit, quite possibly the greatest compilation of anything ever in the history of everything.

Did you hear the one about the girl who threw puppies into the river?

There’s that controversial video out there. The girl in the red hoodie reaches into a bucket full of newborn puppies, and gleefully tosses them into the river. Maybe you’ve seen it. It originated on Youtube but obviously it was pulled for its shocking content. If you search the video on Youtube you won’t find it, but rather you’ll find about a million “reaction” videos. And they’re all basically the same. They all seem to start off the same way, like, “I accidentally clicked on it” or “someone sent me the link and I didn’t know what it was,” which is bullshit. No one seems to want to admit that they enjoy being shocked by such content. And enjoy even more being able to rant in a 5 minute video, describing what they saw, and how it sickened them, and how that girl in the red hoodie is evil and should be brought to the authorities, or in some peoples’ opinions, should be thrown into the river herself. I’ve seen several of these reaction videos and it’s all pretty much the same damn opinion, to one degree or another. It’s amazing how much people can talk and talk without really even saying anything of substance. These same people usually provide their Vlog rant with a thumbnail of the “Twisted Girl” video, in order to trick people like themselves with a sick desire to see the shocking footage to get some hits. These same people provide a link to the original video on Liveleak. These same people probably get up in the morning, throw on their Nike shoes which were made in sweatshops where innocent children are forced into hard labor with little pay, then drive their cars which contribute to the death of the environment, then hit up the McDonald’s drive-thru for some McNuggets, which probably only contain about 75% real dead animal anyway, but at least chickens aren’t cute, right?

I did see the video but I can’t say it shocked or affected me in any particular way. Obviously, I don’t condone the killing of innocent puppies, but it just amazes me how outraged people will get over some dead puppies while worse things are going on in the world right as you read this sentence. And of course you have the people who get so angry they say things like “the fucking bitch should be killed,” which is astonishingly hypocritical for one thing, and no one seems to want to consider this girl’s circumstances. It’s really easy to label her as a sick, twisted bitch. It’s really more of a way to make yourself feel better. Already there are plenty of “suspects” as to who this girl is. Some say she’s a girl from Bosnia, others say Germany, others say Croatia, etc. etc. It’s the fucking Legend Of The Twisted Puppy Tosser. Maybe a scenario of something like her being in a poor, war-torn country, with an outraged father who threatens to beat her if she doesn’t get rid of the puppies, and the family dog can’t afford to be neutered, and there’s no convenient humane society 3 blocks away, and tossing the puppies into the river was at least a better alternative to smashing their little heads in with a rock, and she thought it was humane enough and had an oddly sunny demeanor about the whole thing, and made the mistake of letting someone film it just didn’t come to mind. I’m not defending this girl, I’m just trying to do some lateral thinking. It’s far too easy to believe people are twisted and evil, and nothing more.

Another reason why my reaction wasn’t too strong is probably because I’ve just grown too cynical. I don’t believe a goddamn thing I see on the internet or TV, really. What are the chances that within a week we’ll be finding out that there was a whole production team behind the video, and that the puppies were state-of-the-art CGI, and that the girl in the red hoodie is a part-time model and aspiring actress, and that 20 second video cost 1.5 million dollars to make, but damnit, it got a lot of hits, because people just love to be shocked, and of course, cute animals dying is the taboo of taboos. In this day and age when anything can be doctored, you need to use your discretion. I thought that “Scarface School Play” video was legitimate at first. And that video of the girl who had the terrible reaction to the flu shot sent shivers down my spine. It turned out to be complete bullshit. There’s that woman who quit her job over a series of photos “sent to the office,” that urban legend of the girl who accidentally sent her dad a text that she just lost her virginity, there was LonelyGirl, a pioneer in the internet hoax department, and plenty more. It’s shocking how little things have changed since Orson Welles’ infamous “War of the Worlds” radio broadcast. People will believe anything.

Instead of watching all these shocking internet videos and voicing your useless, generic opinions about it on your vlog, try exercising different areas of your brain other than the sections that can only express shock and disgust. Try some critical thinking. Try reading a book or something. Last time I checked, libraries still carry The Bible. It’s a good read, and very satisfying if you want to see animals have the upper-hand on humans for once: those lions tear the Christians a new one.

Lindsay Lohan’s going to jail.

Do you ever wonder that maybe the life stories of these tabloid queens like Lindsay, Britney Spears, and Paris Hilton are actually works of complete fiction, presented to us elaborately through television, the internet, and magazines? If that’s the case, then I think they need to hire new writers, because we’ve seen this story before. And it’s gotten boring to watch. God forbid I might pick up a book.

For more information on Lindsay Lohan’s sentencing, please feel free to consult literally every website you can think of.

Toy Story 3 is actually about the Holocaust.

One thing you can always count on every summer is knowing which movie is a lock for that “Best Animated Feature” category for the Academy Awards. As if it’s any real surprise, it’s usually a Pixar movie. I know, right?

Anyway, despite being a fun family film that is making tons of money and receiving a slew of critical acclaim, Toy Story 3 is already being studied for deeper meanings.  One interesting theory popping up around the ol’ internet is that it’s really an allegory for the Holocaust. I guess it makes sense. The toys believe they can find solitude in the attic, ala Anne Frank, the Sunnyside Daycare center is almost as terrifying as Auschwitz, and the big climax involves the toys in danger of being burned in a giant furnace.

Personally, I liked the part where Mr. Potato head was a pita. Hahaha!

For more information on this theory, check out this article, or consult your local Google.

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