Thoughts on the “Final Destination” movies


The Final Destination movies are fucking terrible. I just thought you all should know that. But just because they’re bad doesn’t mean they aren’t enjoyable. If you view death as entertainment-and if you’re a horror fan, I’m sure you do-then these are entertaining flicks. But hardly horror classics. Basically what we have in this series is the statement that we all want to see stupid kids die and we don’t really care how.

They’re just like any other slasher series except that they cut out the middle man. I guess creating some memorable horror icon is too hard these days. So let’s just blame it on Death itself. OoooOoOoOoOoOoh!

So you have the cool deaths and that’s about it. And that’s at least effective. The group of movies as a whole plays into our fears of absolute worst case scenarios: What if the plane crashes? What if you get trapped in a tanning bed? What if one of those suction things at the bottom of the pool sucks your intestines out through your butthole? Etc. etc. The 5th movie is out and the possibilities for the series are endless, especially without having that pesky killer character to work around.

The movies only exist for the deaths and between them you have to suffer mind-numbing stupidity, but of course you could argue the same for any Friday The 13th or Halloween flick, though at least those movies had an interesting killer. And an interesting story, for that matter. With each movie they added to the mythology which was interesting and warranted more movies. It was part of their charm and part of their ultimate undoing as well. They kept adding to the story until they imploded into themselves. Freddy Krueger turns out to have a long lost daughter and he got his power from dream demons. The drive behind Michael Myers’ evil is the Thorn cult. Jason Voorhees is some super ultimate demon that can posess people. I haven’t seen all the Saw movies but I’m sure there’s some stupid explanation behind all things Jigsaw.

The problem with the Final Destinations is that it is the same bullshit over and over and over.

1. Main character has a premonition of a terrible accident then saves a small group of people.

2. They find out that they messed with Death’s grand plan and death will be coming back for them one by one.

3. They try to find a way to escape the plan.

4. They think they have avoided death by the end.

5. They all die anyway.

6. *spoilers*

And that is every single fucking Final Destination movie.

My question is, why does the main character have a premonition anyway? What’s the deal there? It is never explained. Could it be that Death feels it’s out of practice and is just fucking with them, giving a select few a shot a life by letting them in on the initial plan, just to kill them in over-elaborate ways later? Death is just a dark shadow in these movies, I don’t know if it has a personality. Maybe if we had a Grim Reaper-looking villain off in the background cracking his knuckles and spouting off some one-liners the movies would have more of a distinct personality. EG, Final Destination 2: “SEE YA LADDER!”

And the motherfucking coroner. Talk about some fucking lazy writing. What is up with that guy? I love Tony Todd as much as the next guy but his presence is ridiculous. Some people have theorized that the coroner is actually death Himself and if you want to buy into that I guess that’s fine, but let’s face it, his real purpose is pure exposition. If it weren’t for his character in the first film no one would be there to explain Death’s grand scheme, laugh creepily, and leave the doomed kids to their business.

The sad thing is that the first Final Destination could have been a very good movie. There’s something interesting and insightful to be found in a movie like this where youth is tragically cut short, and death is unavoidable and unfair. Sure, they touch upon it a little bit here and there in the movies. For example in part 3 one kid causes a scene at a funeral, questioning why the hell someone like Osama Bin Laden could still be alive yet two innocent girls not even of 18 had to die. Okay, it’s a little dated but you get the sentiment. I’m not saying the movies need to be super deep or anything but they’re all just content with the concept and formula that they’ve set up with part one and do it over and over. The only thing that changes are the victims and the cool deaths.

Part 2 is probably the worst one. I know I complained how they don’t attempt to add to the story, but this one actually tried to connect the stories, and did so in a pathetically bad way. They bring a character back and it’s all pointless. Whoopty fucking doo.

By the time they hit the third movie it’s almost like they stopped giving a shit, which, as the series has established itself, is a good thing. The cheesier and stupider the better. The faster they rush through the exposition and get to the kills, the better. And hey, Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Reow.

The fourth one, titled Final Destination 4 (oops I mean THE Final Destination) is the cheesiest, which is why I kind of like it the best. It has a lot more humour, it’s light on the exposition, and the group of survivors pretty much treat looming death as a minor inconvenience. It’s so stupid and dumbed down that it ultimately works to its advantage. For example, you know that racist guy? Check the credits. He’s listed as “Racist guy.” Not even kidding. That just shows how much they don’t care, they can’t even give the characters names. There are also standout performances by brunette girl, douchey guy, and everyone’s favourite, black dude.

The Final Destination movies are stupid, but have some good deaths and are fun. At one point long ago, it could have had potential to be something more. But they made their decisions with how to take the concept and it is what it is. Cheap, dead teenager entertainment. Not particularly a bad thing but when it comes to the genre it is the bottom of the barrel. Either way you bet your ass I’ll be in line to see part 5.


Movie Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)


The makeup effects in the original PLANET OF THE APES film were revolutionary in 1968. The Tim Burton-helmed remake, now a decade old, pushed the art as far as it could go under the masterful control of Rick Baker. Now the newest “Apes” movie, RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES has taken things a step further with visual effects from WETA. The apes look just like apes, act just like apes, but are digital creations that can do things that you probably couldn’t train an ape to do on film in a million years. Besides, training apes seems kind of cruel.

The appeal of these makeup effects in the original as well as the sequels is that the performances of great actors could burst through those ape faces. Many people would associate PLANET OF THE APES immediately with Charlton Heston, but those who have affection for sequels such as “ESCAPE,” “CONQUEST,” and “BATTLE” would unflinchingly tell you the franchise truly belongs to Roddy McDowell, who played Cornelius and Ceaser to great effect. The guy was a fantastic and skilled actor but he could also really ape it up. It was a winning combination and it made the series stand out. But the days of makeup and McDowell are over, and now for the most recent “Apes” film we have CGI and Andy Serkis (no stranger to playing simians), which isn’t a bad trade-off at all.



It’s sort of a prequel to the 1968 film. But the timeline became so messed up and so full of paradoxes that this could precede that film, it could stand on its own as a complete fresh start, or, Hell, you could probably place it somewhere in-between in an alternate universe. With all the time-and-space-bending presented you could probably even fit in Burton’s film into the continuity somehow. But if you want to say, “hey, this is what happens that led to what we see in the first movie,” then that’s agreeable, and there are some hints scattered about that would fit that frame of mind in place.

The movie begins innocently enough, with scientists experimenting on animals to find a cure for Alzheimer’s disease but things don’t go exactly as planned (which is exactly the same plot of DEEP BLUE SEA by the way). The formula doesn’t work too ideally on humans but it takes to apes very nicely, causing advanced intelligence. Enter Caesar.

We have James Franco in the movie, we have Frieda Pinto, John Lithgow, Brian Cox, Draco Malfoy, but make no mistake: Andy Serkis is the star. Caesar is the main character, the story is about his struggle, and it is a deeply facsinating study of a primate endowed with extraordiary intelligence; who is blessed and cursed with cognition and self-examination of a man, wondering how and why he is, recogonizing he’s an anomoly, and feeling some entitlement to be a little higher on the food chain.



It’s not as sci-fi heavy as some of the other movies in this series but it gets the drama right and treats the material seriously and cautiously, avoiding anything too silly. I wouldn’t say there’s much racial or social allegory going on here but it tells the story of the ape uprising very well. You could argue that maybe the intentions of the little revolution shown here aren’t incredibly justified, like, why would the apes turn and mistrust all of mankind just because a few assholes at an animal shelter gave them a hard time? Well, I don’t think that’s entirely the point. Sometimes movies like this just consider what it would be like if our time staying as the most dominant beings on the planet were through. Could be aliens, could be apes. But it’s fascinating since apes are so similar to us, seeming just a little removed from the evolutionary line, so why couldn’t there be an alternate universe where they were in charge and we were the ones in cages? If apes are as similar to us as we think they are then we’d know they wouldn’t want to share the rule of the world.



A good story was told with modern effects that were very convincing and the drama was very well played out. Andy Serkis was incredible and pulls off a wonderful performance as Ceaser. The references to the original films are fun and not too overbearing, and it pays a much better service to the franchise’s fans than the remake did. It has the same kind of spirit as those movies but it is a fresh take on the general story so whether you’ve seen every single one and know the overall plot detail by detail or whether this is your first venture into the series it successfully satisifies in just about every area. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t the best one, but I thoroughly enjoyed it and I’d love to see more.

Movie Review: Predators (2010)

If you’re a big fan of movies where characters speak softly and dramatically and try to explain everything that is happening, then PREDATORS just may be right up your alley. But I personally found it to be exhausting. 90% of the dialogue is tedious exposition: characters explain, explain, and EXPLAIN, what’s going on, what their plan of action is, who everyone is, and why everyone is there. But why bother trying to explain who these characters are? Any audience member with half a brain will expect most of the characters to be dead by the end anyway, and even with all the long-winded explanations, we really don’t get a better idea of who these guys are than we already could assume just by looking at them. Here’s a helpful hint for any screenwriter: WHIPPING OUT WALLET PHOTOS OF YOUR KIDS DOES NOT COUNT AS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. We already figured this out with the first Alien Vs. Predator movie, which shockingly had more interesting characters, and- dare I say?- was more entertaining.

I wonder if someone who has never seen a Predator film will find this to be a good movie. As a person who is familiar with this series, I wasn’t sure why the Predator creatures would kill unarmed men. I may have nodded off during one of the many exposition-spewing monologues, but I recall something about there being two different kinds of Predators on the planet, with different creeds and codes locked in a civil war of sorts, so maybe there’s an answer there. That’s a small complaint, though.

What bugged me the most was, well, the entire thing. In Predator 1 & 2, you figure that the Predators didn’t hand-pick Arnold Schwarzenegger or Danny Glover to hunt, but they just stumbled upon them or something. Each and every character in PREDATORS was chosen for specific reasons to go on that planet to be hunted, but why are these creatures going through all this trouble? If they’re going to elaborately capture them, parachute them onto the planet, just to pick them off seemingly at random, why not just hunt on Earth? Seriously, what the fuck? It makes no sense.

Should I have just turned my brain off and enjoyed the action? I mean, it’s not like the original 1987 film with Schwarzenegger is known for its impeccable writing, right? But PREDATOR has its fun, while this movie does not. It is dead serious. The characters play it completely straight, which is more than you could say for good ol’ Arnold, who was practically winking at the camera the entire time. The only person I could see having some fun with their character was Laurence Fishburne, who really livens thing up, but is in the movie briefer than you may expect.

There were some decent action scenes I guess. I liked it when they were gunning apart those dog-like creatures and there is a cool sword fight. Like, seriously guys, if the Asian mob guy finds an ancient sword and DOESN’T use it later in a big dramatic showdown, I would ask for my money back.

Maybe as a fan of the Alien and Predator movies I was expecting too much. It’s not like this one movie could singlehandedly redeem an entire series, but what kind of victory is it for a fan when a movie you’re looking forward to doesn’t suck completely, but isn’t all that good, either? PREDATORS was not the redemption I was hoping for, but it’s a step in the right direction. It’s not a terrible movie, but I wouldn’t say it was all that good, either. It was kind of stupid.

And the ending. Don’t get me started on the ending. Boy, talk about your piece-of-shit endings. As the screen cut to black, I was almost expecting a giant middle finger to appear on the screen, or maybe a disclaimer stating: “We couldn’t figure out a way to end this movie, so we’re going to let you draw your own conclusions.”

A Nightmare On Elm Street Series Review

Above is my review for all of the Nightmare On Elm Street films…it’s kind of long, it’s about 40 minutes long split into 5 parts. It’s you’re a fan of the Freddy movies or you just have a lot of time to kill, then definitely check it out.

If you don’t have the time, then for your consideration I have provided the JIST OF IT below:

A Nightmare On Elm Street: A great horror movie. Wes Craven’s masterpiece.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge: A turd. Not really worth seeing if you’re not a big fan. Skip it.

A  Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors: Really entertaining. A Perfect sequel.

A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master: The plot is a little odd and complicated, but it’s still good fun. Worth checking out.

A Nightmare On Elm Street 5: The Dream Child: Even more complicated of a plot but this time not as entertaining. A big “meh” over all.

Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare: More of a comedy than a horror, also kind of “meh” but it is admittedly entertaining.

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare: A great horror film, in worthy company with the original 1984 film.

Freddy Vs. Jason: Stupid, but really, really fun. Enjoy it for what it is.

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